Answer Magazine

Men Who Lead

Certain individuals are trying to tell us that traditional marriage as we’ve known it over the years isn’t working anymore—that it’s on its way out. I strongly disagree. For better or for worse, marriage and family have always been the building blocks of society and a primary source of human happiness.

According to a recent survey, a large majority of Americans (71%) still esteem the traditional family unit. The need is not to abandon marriage and family, but to strengthen it. Only in the context of the home can human worth and happiness at their highest levels be experienced. Only in a stable marriage can a man and a woman share their love, their joys, their sorrows, and their dreams with one another in the deepest kind of way. Only in a stable family can they give to their children the love, security and happiness needed to become mature and caring adults.

Just because many marriages experience a certain amount of difficulty, or even because some of them fail, is no reason to assume that the institution itself is at fault. Marriage, like everything else, has its problems for the simple reason that it involves two individuals who are less than perfect. Husbands and wives succeed by working through their difficulties. At times they may feel like throwing in the towel, but believing in their ability to win, they stubbornly reject this option.

The cause for their success lies more in their character qualities than anything else. It’s not the wedding ceremony, or the piece of paper. It’s the depth of their commitment that makes the union succeed. Marriage itself is not to be condemned when a couple fails. The fault lies elsewhere.

That said, let me mention a couple of things which are critical to the establishment of a good marriage, effective leadership and right priorities.

Effective Leadership

Nowhere is effective leadership more crucial than in the home. A family without an effective leader faces constant trouble. We’ve all observed leaderless situations; an athletic team lacking in leadership loses. A business lacking in leadership goes under. A government lacking in leadership is overthrown. When effective leadership in the home is present there’s a sense of order. When it’s lacking, there’s a sense of chaos.

The best guidebook on marriage has been around for centuries. The Bible leaves no question about who God says the leader of the family should be. “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.” ¹

“I would have you to know that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God.” ²

The man who doesn’t provide effective leadership in his home fails God and his family. Ineffective leadership falls into three categories.

First, there’s the man who thinks being head of the family means being accountable to no one. His time is his own; no one ever tells him what to do. The only memory his children have of him is the back of his head as he rushes out the door for his next hunting trip, meeting, or game.

Second, there is the man who thinks being head of the family means dictatorial dominion. He demands his own way in everything. In conflict he’s always right; he can never be wrong. Given the opportunity to make home a heaven on earth, this man chooses instead to create hell on earth for those around him.

Third, there’s the man who doesn’t lead at all. His home is filled with chaos. He wavers on decisions and never says yes or no firmly enough to make it stick. He’s failing when it comes to family leadership, yet he blames his wife for the problems encountered in the home.

In contrast, an effective leader has a clear understanding of what is best. To accomplish this he sets boundaries, enforces rules, and assigns responsibility appropriately. He does these things with and from love, putting the interests of his wife and children ahead of his own.

Right Priorities

To make a great marriage, a man must also have his priorities in good order. This means he views his family as his greatest treasure and invests his time accordingly. Jerry’s company offered him a position in management - a lucrative opportunity that would entail weekend conferences at the whim of the president, a hotline on his night table, frequent plane trips all over the country, plus breakfast and dinner with company personnel several times a week. The power, prestige and money were enticing. What was Jerry's response?

“I’d make a lot of money,” Jerry said, “but I love Joan and the kids too much to accept your offer. Give the job to someone else.”

Jerry had his priorities straight. He became a successful husband and father because he shaped his concept of success around his family. If large returns are expected in the future, sizable investments of time must be made in the present. The man who realizes this gladly pays the price to reach his goals for his homelife.

The fellow who took the job that Jerry turned down is going to have a lot of money. However, if my experience is reliable, the man with the cash is going to look at Jerry’s family one day and say: “I’d give everything I own to have a family like yours!”

Cultivating a stable home isn’t easy. The price is high and the rewards are late in coming. When they do arrive, however, they make the sacrifice very worthwhile!

Biblical References: 1) Ephesians 5:21. 2) I Corinthians 11:3.

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